What is Marriage Counseling?

Common Issues that can be addressed in Marriage Counseling

If you are experiencing any of the following issues, the Relationship Resource Center is here to help you. We are conveniently located in the Rockford, IL metro area. Please contact us today if you would like more information about marriage counseling or if you would like to make an appointment.

• Substance Abuse

• Anger

• Anxiety

• Blame

• Blended-Family Problems

• Communication

• Dependency

• Depression

• Disillusionment with the Relationship

• Financial Conflicts

• Infidelity and Affairs

• Intolerance

• Jealousy

• Job Stress

• Life-Changing Events

• Loss of Love/Affection

• Midlife Crisis

• One Partner Unwilling to Attend Therapy

• Parenting Conflicts

• Personality Differences

• Emotional and Physical Abuse

• Disputes over Recreational Activities

• Religious or Spiritual Differences

• Separation and Divorce

• Sexual Issues or Problems

• Sex Therapy
  

• Work or Home Role Strain

• Problems with In-Laws

• Issues Surrounding a Chronic Illness

• Grief or Loss Issues

Marriage Counseling with One Partner

Marriage Counseling Questions

• How long does marriage counseling last?

Typically most couples are able to reach their goals after 10 - 12 marriage counseling sessions.

• Will my therapist assign marriage counseling homework to be completed in between sessions?

Occasionally during marriage counseling, the therapist and client will agree on a homework assignment to be completed prior to the next session. The goal of these assignments is to encourage couples to apply the skills and principles learned in marriage counseling at home.

• Does marriage counseling work?

Yes, over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship.

• Are there other advantages or benefits to marriage counseling?

Yes, after successfully completing marriage counseling, clients report marked improvement in work productivity, co-worker relationships, family relationships, partner relationships, emotional health, overall health, social life, and community involvement.

• Will my marriage counselor take my side or my spouse's side of things? Do marriage counselors choose sides?
  

At the Relationship Resource Center, your marriage counselor will practice multi-directed partiality. This means that the therapist is accountable to and acknowledges all perspectives involved. Each side and perspective will be supported individually and at different times to create balance in the relationship.

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Information cited from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

How can Marriage Counseling help my Relationship?

Following is a good example of some areas that might be addressed in marriage counseling and some of the changes that a marriage and family therapist might talk with you and your partner about making.

• Accommodation
• Learn to accept and adjust to each other’s preferences and expectations, compromising on some issues, but not always giving in, so as not to build up resentment.
• She learned to accept his wish to eat supper early, while he agreed to join her for weekly religious services. But she didn’t agree to put her career on a part-time basis; and he continued to take his yearly fishing trip with his brothers despite her hating to be left behind.
• Boundary Making
• Create a protective boundary around your relationship that reduces but doesn’t eliminate contact with outsiders.
• He stopped going out three nights a week with his buddies; she started asking him if it was okay before agreeing to let her parents come home for the weekend.
• Demonstrating your commitment to your partner builds a secure base of attachment as well as confidence in the permanence of your relationship. Make sure your partner knows that you care, and that you are committed.
• He stopped defending himself by saying “If you don’t like it, why don’t you find someone else,” because it only made her insecure and angry. She made a point of telling him who she had lunch with, because she knew his jealousy made him worry.
• Communication
• Listen to and acknowledge your partner’s point of view.
• She discovered that making a sincere effort to say things like “So you like that one better because …” before countering with her own opinion made him feel that she respected his point of view. When it came to the most contentious issues, he discovered that asking first how she felt and then listening at length was essential. In some cases it was a good idea not even to express his side of the matter until a later time.
• Short-circuit escalation in arguments by learning to back off before negative spirals get nasty. Call a time-out and agree to talk at a specific time later.
• “I’m getting upset; let’s stop and talk about this tonight after supper, okay?”
• Avoid invalidation and put-downs.
• “You’re so irresponsible” may be obvious but is no more invalidating than “I think you’re overreacting.” Don’t criticize your partner’s personality or deny what he or she is feeling.
• Problem Solving
• Make positive requests, such as “Would you be willng…?” rather than criticisms, such as “You never…!”
• If you ask for something, be prepared to give something in return.
• It was easier to get him to do things with her and the children if she also made a point of suggesting times when he could do some of the things he liked to do by himself. He learned that occasionally volunteering to do the shopping or cook dinner made her feel more like doing things for him and that volunteering worked better than trying to make deals.
• Wait until you’re not angry before bringing up a problem to be solved. Raise concerns directly but gently.
• She was furious that he took her father’s side against her in an argument. But she decided not to say anything until she calmed down. The following night after supper she began by saying “Honey, I want to talk about something I’m feeling but I’m afraid to because it might make you mad.” Emphasizing that it was her feelings and saying that she was concerned about how he might react helped put him in a receptive mood.
• Think of the two of you as a team working against the problem.
• Instead of battling over his “coldness” and her “dependency,” they started talking about how they could adjust for their “different comfort levels.” As a result they planned their next vacation so that they could play golf and tennis together, and she could visit friends while he took one day off for fishing.
• Be sure you understand your partner’s concerns before trying to work on a solution.
• He was upset that she wanted to make only a minimal down payment on their new house, because it would result in large mortgage payments. To him it made more sense to put down as a much as they could in order to make the monthly payments as low as possible. But instead of continuing to argue he asked her what she was worried about. Her concern turned out to be that without a cushion of savings, they might be wiped out by some unforeseen emergency. Now at least he understood how she felt.
• Consideration
• Do pleasing things for your partner and the relationship.
• Spontaneous gestures – like compliments, hugs, little presents, calling in the middle of the day to say “I love you” – reassure your partner that you care and help to maintain a positive feeling about the relationship.
• Fun
• Make the effort to spend enjoyable time together, and don’t use fun activities as a time to discuss difficult issues or conflicts.
• He got in the habit of inviting her to join him for a movie, a walk in the park, or a visit to the museum and then supper out on Saturdays. She learned that bringing up problems on these trips tended to spoil the mood.

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Adapted from Nichols, M. P. 1995. The Lost Art of Listening. New York: Guilford Press.